Friendships and feeling left out: how can I help my child?

How common it is

Feeling lonely is common in Sweden (Folkhälsomyndigheten). In the school children survey Skolbarns hälsovanor 2021/22, 10 percent of boys and 19 percent of girls said they often or always feel lonely. 15-year-olds said so most often and 11-year-olds least often, and girls more often than boys at every age (Folkhälsomyndigheten). Among girls the share rose from 11 percent at age 11 to just over 20 percent at age 13, and among boys from 4 to 10 percent (Folkhälsomyndigheten). Around 5 percent said they cannot talk to their friends about problems, while 53 percent of boys and 61 percent of girls said they can (Folkhälsomyndigheten).

Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone. Everyone needs different amounts of company, and it is fine to want to be alone sometimes. It is loneliness that is unwanted and long-lasting that makes us feel bad (Region Skåne).

Talk and listen

• Show you are there: ask often how your child is, and say you are there if they need help or want to talk (Region Skåne). Give a clear message that you are on their side (AAP).
• Start with open questions about school, break times and activities. If you think your child feels lonely, you can ask more directly, for example whether they feel lonely at school or at training (Friends).
• Find out what is in the way: does your child doubt that anyone wants to be their friend, need to practise social skills, lack like-minded children around them, or is held back by strong shyness or social anxiety (Friends)?
• Keep your own worry in check: passing it on can signal that your child is expected to have lots of friends, and cause stress (Friends).
• Other explanations: a child with bad experiences may read others' behaviour negatively. Help them look for other explanations, such as "maybe they slept badly" (Friends).

Small steps and practice

• One step at a time: help your child pick someone they would like to get to know, then say hi, ask a question or send a message. Make a plan A and a plan B in case it does not go as hoped (Friends).
• Praise every try: encourage your child to challenge themselves and cheer them on each time they try, even if it did not go as expected. Many children feel proud afterwards (Friends). Most people are happy when someone says hi or gets in touch (Region Skåne).
• Practise in a safe place: invite a few friends home, where you are close by (Friends). Welcoming your child's friends also lets you see how they get on together (AAP).
• New places to meet: encourage your child to keep up their activities and try new ones. Churches, youth centres, the municipal culture school and voluntary organisations often have activities for children and young people, and municipalities and clubs sometimes offer free activities (Friends, Region Skåne).

As children get older

Relationships with peers can be a challenge, especially for older children and teenagers going through big changes, when many friendships change or end. Tell your child it is okay to grow apart or for friendships to change over time (Region Skåne). Younger teenagers are the most likely to go along with what they think the group thinks (AAP). Social media can be a fun way to keep in touch, but seeing others have fun can make a child feel even more alone. Remind them that people mostly post when they are happy, and encourage breaks from accounts that make them feel bad (Region Skåne). Read more in our guide How do I keep my child safe online?

When it is more than a rough patch

If your child is left out again and again, book a meeting with the teacher and ask the school to find out what happens at break and lunch (AAP). Being frozen out, mean messages and frequent teasing count as degrading treatment, and a teacher who finds out that a pupil has been treated this way at school must act to stop it happening again (Region Skåne). If you think your child is being bullied, read our guide What do I do if my child is being bullied?

The school health team (elevhälsan) includes the school nurse and the school counsellor. They can help with conversations and support when there are conflicts or bullying, and it is free. Both you and your child can contact them (1177).